Ingratitude more strong, than a traitors arms, quite vanquished him: then burst his mighty heart
– Julius Caesar
I blogged about this over on the naked wretch so it might sound familiar to those coming across. I’ll post it up again and this time with what I felt my dream was trying to tell me.
I had a dream and I still remember it so vividly it’s like I relive it every time I think about it. In the dream I was watching a scene in a bedroom and a man was behind a woman reaching for her. Something about him seemed needy and sad like he needed her for something but she wasn’t responding to him and he wasn’t able to give voice to what he needed. She was naked and leaning over the back of a chair staring at something and it felt like she was lost in her own sadness.
There was a table in front of her, on the table was her heart and it was wrapped up in chains. To her right the room was shrouded in darkness. A single chain sprang out from the heart and it connected with a mans’ arm that came out of those shadows. It wrapped around his wrist and he kept pulling on it. The vibe of the man in the shadows was cruel and he enjoyed inflicting pain. I could barely make out his features but somehow I knew that hidden in the darkness was a man that was smiling. He enjoyed inflicting the kind of pain that I don’t enjoy receiving. The kind that tears your soul to pieces because you know they don’t have it in them to love you the way you need them to.
The heart seemed fixed to the table and there was something that felt significant about that but I couldn’t figure out what it was. No matter how hard he pulled it wouldn’t move and his vibe looped around cruelty, frustration and loneliness. The man kept pulling on the chain and enjoying the fact that each time he did it there were waves of overwhelming sadness and suffering coming from the woman. She never cried. She stared at her heart and she just felt what she was feeling. She also never gave him the satisfaction of seeing her in pain but he was connected to her enough that he could feel what she was feeling.
The man had the same tattoos on his arm as someone I know in the waking world. The man behind her had the same tattoos. I realised that I was looking at the same man in two different places. Behind her was the man he used to be and beside her in the shadows was the man he eventually became.
And I realised that it wasn’t just a random woman I was staring at. The woman was me.
Behind the dream
This was someone I once loved deeply. There’s a part of me that still loves him and don’t think that doesn’t piss me off!
The problem I have is that I don’t love easily but once I do I find it hard to stop loving that person long after they’ve proven to me they just don’t deserve it. He was one of those people.
What he became was important. I honestly think that he processed things that occurred in his life in a fucked up way. So instead of saying “I won’t do what was done to me to others” he became the very thing that broke him in the first place. I know he enjoyed the power he had over me. He’s one to go for pity plays and to a small degree they do still work on me.
His vibe is confusing as its both helpless and calculating. I felt like I was constantly pulled between the need to let him go and wanting to stay and be there for him but that had its pitfalls.
Despite the fact that it was torture at times, I recognised watching my dreams that he’s very much a person that’s split so to speak. There will never be balance, a meeting of the minds, an equal exchange of energy, effort, love or respect. He swings between light and dark. Loving and cruel.
The final act of letting him go has been hard, but as the days go on they’re putting distance between what we were and what we are now. I can see more of the darkness in the man he became…and really I feel he was probably that man all along. He just hid it well.
I believe the man behind me was probably what I wished he would be. He wasn’t evil, just broken but he processed it in a way that wasn’t healthy. That is the man I need to put behind me and that is the man I need to let go of.
I felt this dream was more of a reflection of my inner emotional turmoil in relation to him. It didn’t show me anything I didn’t already know it only gave me a visual of a truth I found difficult to accept. The reality is, he enjoys inflicting pain as it gives him a high and he is not good for me. Seeing it play out the way I did made me think about what I was trying to hang onto and seriously question if this was right for me. The obvious conclusion was nope.
The things that stood out
- The darkness in the corner: it felt cold and calculating, smug and amused almost as if it was attached to an awareness. I felt it was a representation of the dark side of him and at certain times he was all of the above.
- The sadness of the woman (me) she seemed so focused on her heart that she missed all of the subtle things playing out around her. The lesson there is not to focus too intently on your heart space. To balance things out between the rational and the heart / spiritual so people cannot manipulate or control you.
- The smile I felt in the shadows: In the waking world when he smiled like that what followed was a deliberate trigger and something cruel
- The chains: like the darkness I felt they had an awareness. I felt in the dream they were choices I made in relation to him (choosing to give him chance, choosing not to walk away) they always gave him an opening and a way back in and new fresh ideas for him to torture me I guess.
- The strength of the woman: I was just reminded that no matter what happens I can still fight because I’m always free to choose. That includes picking my battles.
Where it was light it felt muted in a way. The colour was lack lustre. Like it should’ve been beautiful but for some reason it couldn’t be.
Where it was dark it was really dark.
After I look at the symbols and feel out the vibe I look at what stands out and what that means to me. Most if not all interpretation is intuitive. I look at whether or not the colours are dark, bright or muted and look at what that means to me.
I guess a good way to practice is just to start Journalling. I found that by having a process like the one I outlined above helped me because it became so familiar I do it in my dreams without thinking. I think that because my mind is so active purely out of habit, it enabled me to take control of my dreams completely.
It worked for me but until other people try it I don’t know if that’s a thing. Be patient with yourself is my advice.