There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen
– Maurice Sendak.
Some intuitives who read this were affected by elements of the dream. They felt some of the energy was demonic and active. If you believe in things like this please ground and protect yourself first before you proceed or DO NOT READ THIS POST. I went into detail and described things exactly as they happened. I am used to seeing things like this in my dreams and I don’t usually give them much attention when I dream about him. Some were a little shocked and taken off guard and thus the need for some sort of disclaimer.
Please tread wisely.
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and I’m about to be sick. It’s an abandoned amusement park and Its vibe reminds me of Chernobyl.
“Oh hell this isn’t mine” and this place is familiar. I don’t remember wandering here. I don’t even remember falling asleep. For a split second I’m disorientated and I don’t like the vibe I’m getting at all. There’s no balance here only chaos. It’s the kind of chaos that is building and writhes beneath the surface. There’s a dead energy here too when I look at the rides. I feel like I’m in a badly neglected graveyard. I recognise the energy as male and familiar. “This is his mind and I am playing in it” I think to myself and It’s not a comforting thought.
The amusement park comes to life with rides operating by themselves. The lights are so bright they’re migraine inducing. To my left is an old rusty silver seesaw bobbing up and down by itself. It looks odd and out of place here. Behind it is a merry go round with brown horses on it and all of them look sad. The lights keep flickering and the music sounds like it’s played by instruments that are out of tune. It flickers between being broken and brand new. Part of me feels this place would’ve been beautiful back in its heyday. There’s a part of me that thinks with a little love and care it could be restored to its former glory.
Beyond that is a concrete path which looks like it was rained on recently. I can see grey tents off to one side. I look inside one and I can see what looks like the entrance to an old abandoned house. I’m not particularly interested in going inside it so I move on. I look up and I can see a broken down Ferris wheel. I see a rollercoaster far beyond that where the tracks are all broken yet the rollercoaster glides over them effortlessly. I realise there are no rules here. My immediate response is to be wary and I wonder if this is simply my fight or flight response kicking in.
There’s a shooting game to my left and masks that look like the kind used in Greek drama pop up. I grab a gun and I fire at one and then it’s replaced with another. The game gets faster and faster with more and more masks popping up to shoot at. I hear a child crying and the scene changes from overcast and daytime to night. It’s scaring the child. “This is his” I think to myself. A little boy around the age of seven appears out of nowhere. He has gorgeous cerulean blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. The mama in me wants to run to protect him. The child is frightened and he’s far from where I can reach him. I call out to him but he refuses to come toward me. He vanishes and reappears much deeper in the amusement park. I hear laughter. The scene changes and I am still on the path but now I’m also in a mirror maze. I see things moving inside mirrors to my right. A woman’s face appears as if to scare me but she stops at the glass. A man appears in another mirror and when I look him straight in the eye he looks away. Over and over this happens with different people appearing in the mirrors. I don’t recognise any of them and none of them are brave enough to look me in the eye.
Everything feels like it is getting distorted including me. I realise the child isn’t seeing me he is seeing some sort of distortion of me and I probably look like a monster. I dislike the vibe of the entire thing as I feel it’s created in order to intentionally torture the child aND me. I feel something else influencing the man this belongs to and I see a woman dancing around a fire. A tiki floats into view and it lights up. The two visions in the dream vanish. I can’t shake the feeling that what I’m seeing is deliberate and conscious and it’s like being trapped in a nightmare on loop.
The child comes closer and is watching me. He asks me to help him and all I can say is “You’re too far away and I can’t help you” I’m not sure why I can’t but I know that it’s the truth. I’m sure that it’s possible to lie in this state but I’ve never figured out how to do it. I’ve also never seen it as important. People lie to hide things. People lie so as to not intentionally hurt others. People lie because they’re pathological liars. Here the truth means nothing. Everything just IS. What’s the point in lying?
I’m now going to have crack at it just to be sure.
I see a crowd of people start to flood the amusement park. The scene has changed to overcast again and the child has disappeared. In the distance I hear him crying but I know there is nothing I can do for him now. All of them look…dead…disfigured or in a state of decomposition. They wander aimlessly through the park like zombies. Some are now on the rides. No one speaks or engages with one another and they all have the same vacant expression on their faces. They’re all dressed like its the Victorian era and I find that fascinating (when I wake up not so much because he was obsessed with that era) Again I find myself thinking of Chernobyl and I’m not sure why.
I finally see him wandering through the crowd. He’s taller than everyone else (in real life he’s incredibly tall) and strolls with his hands clasped behind his back. Despite the fact that he has a blind fold on he navigates the crowd perfectly. He looks much older than he is in the waking world. He looks harmless but he is far from that in real life. He is actually far from that here too. He can control his dreams much better than I can.
The child reappears and he looks sad but he has stopped crying. He takes the mans hand as if to comfort him and leads him back towards the amusement park. As they walk away I notice a lion on a merry go round that wasn’t there before. It’s not broken, rotten, old or decaying like every other ride in the amusement park. It shines as if it’s brand new but something about the expression on its face promises violence. It looks angry. It looks like the only thing in this place that’s actually alive.
That is disturbing.
My gaze follows them as they walk away. Before they both disappear the child lays a hand reassuringly on the mans shoulder and I think that it’s sweet. The boy then looks at me without a hint of sadness on his face and smirks.
I catch a glimpse of the lion. It’s the last thing that I see and it’s laughing.
Behind the dream:
I’ve never been a fan of dreaming about someone who can control their dreams like I can. I always feel disorientated and sick afterwards. He has twenty years on me when it comes to this so he’s been at it a lot longer than most. In April this year we had reconnected briefly and we were trying to be on friendly terms. As always that didn’t work out so well and I immediately regretted it. By June I had this sick feeling in my stomach when it came to him so I bowed out yet again. I realised that whatever I felt for him was long gone and I was seeing him for what he really was, chaos and all, and not the man I knew he could be.
It’s debatable as to whether or not one can influence another’s dreams. Some believe it’s all energy that is connected and so therefore you can, others believe that without any real evidence we can accurately observe and measure that feat is impossible. I guess I’m on the fence about that. I’m still learning myself and trying to add to what I was taught so long ago. That’s the point of this blog: to share what I know and give those I know who read it the opportunity to share their perspective. I can then see my dream through someone else’s eyes. It deepens my understanding of the world of dreams and my subconscious.
About a week later the man in my dream posted a photo he had taken of an abandoned amusement park. He is a brilliant photographer and artist and I’ve always appreciated his work. There in the photo was a lion on a merry go round not unlike the one I had seen in my dreams. It gave me the creeps. Usually I’m like “Oh hey there’s another thing that exists!” In this case I wasn’t terribly impressed because it meant my dream was important and I needed to figure out why. I’m still confused by it and I had this dream in June.
Things that stood out:
- Being reminded of Chernobyl: I am a huge fan of Veritasium and a few months ago I watched his documentary Uranium: Twisting the dragons tail. Part of it was shot in Chernobyl the site of one of the worst nuclear accidents in history. I’ve always loved abandoned places as I find them peaceful. I could wander in them for days and Chernobyl is a place I would love to go to. A once thriving and bustling city now in the process of being reclaimed by nature. I imagine this is what earth would be like long after we have all left it and it’s that impermanence that I love. That feeling in the grand scheme we are insignificant. For me it was a reminder that a lot of things just do not matter including him. One day both of us will be nothing more than a memory. It’s not about striving to forgive or forget now. It’s about understanding that it all just doesn’t matter.
- The broken rides: it was a literal reference to him. He always referred to himself as broken down toy once loved but now not worth playing with. My feeling of wanting to fix and restore the rides stems from the fact that I used to think loving him was enough. It wasn’t and probably never will be.
- My fight or flight response: I was thinking about this again the other day. I have a theory that maybe it’s something as simple as being more aware of this response in the dream state that enables us to control our dreams. I need to develop the idea a bit more but it was on my mind at the time and I think it popped up in my dream. I also think that developing an awareness of your dream symbols / dream language begins to give you some measure of control over what you see. If you get into the habit of pulling it apart after you write it down then you start to do it in your dream too. My awareness of them enabled me to interact with them. After I mastered interaction I tackled switching perspectives kind of like you would if you were filming something. Once I managed that I was able to control little things like creating things to fight with, running away, looking around in places, and thinking about what action or response I was going to do.
- The horses: horses symbolise freedom to me and freedom of self expression. I grew up with them and my favourite childhood memories involve long rides by myself where I could just connect to the world around me and live in the moment. Those rides were among the few times where I felt safe enough to be myself. The sadness reminded me of the feeling of never really being able to be myself around him. I felt that the whole dream was trying to present the reality of what we were now to each other.
- The abandoned house: houses I associate with ‘home’ or issues that are close to home or my heart. The fact that it was abandoned and I wasn’t interested in going inside said a lot to me. I wasn’t attached to it anymore on any kind of level. It was actually a good sign because at the time I knew I had to walk away for good. I was now ready to do that.
- The broken rollercoaster: the end of an emotional ride. It was also a literal reference to our relationship because I used to refer to it as an ’emotional rollercoaster’
- The masks: Oh was he great at wearing those! I often felt so confused when he would fly between different emotional states and I could never keep up. He was great at mimicking emotion and mirroring different states of being but he never really allowed himself to feel. In this case though, I felt that I was shooting them down because I was no longer being ‘played’ if that makes sense? I also felt I was no longer affected by the many masks that man wore or the mind games and head fuckery.
- The child and navigating the crowd: Thinking about it I felt like this dream was deliberate and conscious. His machinations and manipulations were kind of evident towards the end when the lion was laughing and the child smirked. At the time, in the waking world, I finally understood that he was never going to change, stop playing mindgames and stop trying to manipulate me.
- The Lion: As a dream symbol for me lions represent raw and unpredictable power. Personally I love Lions. I spent time living at a sanctuary with my family but they ARE rough, intelligent and a little unpredictable. One of the symbols I associated with him in my dreams was a Lion. He’s a proud man and definitely an alphamale so I’ll always associate him with lions. I feel the whole ‘new and not broken’ thing also has a subtle meaning but I couldn’t figure that out.
- The people: I thought this was a reference to the people he surrounds himself with. I also thought it was people like him in general. People who had a habit of wandering in my life at random times. He looked unwell in the dream like he was in the early stages of becoming like them, dead and somewhat soulless. I took inventory on the kinds of people I was surrounding myself with at the time. I left a lot of them behind as a result because they just weren’t good for me.
- The distortion: After I started standing up for myself he started to call me a monster. So it was interesting I saw that.
- Out of tune intruments: The things he used to say that sounded sweet or that would pull at my heart strings just sounded like manipulation tactics now. Seeing the reality and not the ideal is gonna do that for you.
- The people in the mirror: What the fuck was that? They felt outside of this dream. It wasn’t scary but holy shit was that creepy.
- The Tiki and The Woman: In my culture the belief is when things (like Tikis) light up in the spiritual sense (in dreams or visions) it meant they were ‘activated’ and switched on. The woman dancing was his ex and someone who still managed to mindfuck and manipulate him. I can kind of see how they relate.
I felt this whole dream was visual representation of our dynamic and where I used to stand in it. I often use my dreams as a way of digging around in my subconscious. I know myself well and I know my dream language well. I feel my dreams are so uncensored and unfiltered and I prefer to look at those when and after they happen than meditate. I’m incredibly lazy and I LIKE my mind running off on random tangents. I control myself IN dreams. I have a measure of control over what I want to dream about most of the time but I don’t always control the context in which dreams like this come. I think I prefer that.
The lesson I took was that I was the right place to let him go. I had given myself closure and I had seen the truth. At one stage that was very difficult to accept. It wasn’t now.