Bonfire of the sanity 

Yourself…is other people. All the other people you’re tied to and it’s only a thread

– Tom Wolfe

I hate my anxiety.

I hate the depression that inevitably follows that anxiety.

I hate the days  I am fine because there will always be a day when I’m not fine and I really, really, hate those.

One day is all it takes. Just one. They overshadow the days where I felt like I could function.

There’s so much going on in my head all the time that I could definitely do with a vacation from it. I feel like I am desperately trying to stop myself from unspooling all of my thoughts 24/7. I have so often felt misunderstood and never truly seen or heard by the people – with the exception of one – that I choose/chose to love. In my head I feel like I’m screaming, arms flailing, and no one can hear me.

I’ve become aware of late how much pain I have within me. I’ve also become aware of how hard it is for me to accept love and kindness from another. To accept it for what it is and not wonder what their agenda is. It doesn’t feel like it’s unfamiliar just unnatural. I find myself drawn to the usual dark kind of men – man in particular – that I have always been drawn to. It’s familiar and that familiarity isn’t so scary if I’m in complete denial about the way he is likely to treat me…but at least  I know how it will end right? Isn’t that something?

I hate that it’s so painful at times I feel pain in every part of my body. Sometimes I can just breathe… and accept it for what it is and just allow myself to feel. Other times I can’t. I feel like I’ve been purging for the last couple of days and they’ve been hard for me. I don’t like to cry. Actually, I hate it. We (my siblings and I) were all taught not to cry and not to show  weakness. Lately it’s just been coming up for me and coming out and talking about what I’m feeling  helps.

Being a high functioner doesn’t help. I work, I teach, I have a family, I over commit myself and I’m terrible for keeping myself busy constantly with very little rest or sustenance.

So in juggling all of that I get overwhelmed easily. The stress builds to the point where it’s explosive. Add little every day things that most can deal with easily that I struggle with… like a car breaking down or having to make a phone call, leaving my house, seeing gaps in my pantry that make me panic and worry we will run out of food or sending an invoice.  I constantly feel like an anxious volcano on the verge of erupting. I can’t stand that feeling.

A year ago I lost someone I really loved. I don’t love putting my pain on display for everyone so I don’t talk about it. Before M there was the Dominus and his extreme narcissism nearly killed me. In the beginning I never really had a problem with saying I love you to someone including him. If I felt it, I said it, simple as that. I’m not sure what prompted D to say what he said but he told me to stop saying it so often. It’s not like I said it every fifteen minutes but whatever. So after that, every moment where I felt I wanted to say it I didn’t and then it got to the point where I didn’t say at all. One day he asked me why I no longer said it to him and I snapped back with “You reap what you sow.” It brought me back to a moment where my mother said the same thing he did and then said I was too emotional. In her world, love was for manipulating others or the thing in which you are manipulated by. D felt the same.

So then there was M – the Dom I write about in my other blog – who could tell right off the bat that love was confusing for me. It was something that I found too overwhelming. He could tell that I struggled to accept it from another. I know that he knew I loved him and understood why I struggled to say it. It still makes me panic sometimes.

I’ve never been the type to take compliments well. I often feel awkward and I don’t know how to respond. I overthink it and then I wind up making the whole moment awkward. I’ve never been able to embrace that awkwardness people have always felt was endearing. With M it was different. I could laugh at myself. I didn’t have to take myself so seriously all the time. He was always sure about how I felt even though I couldn’t express it all that often in words. I didn’t feel pressured to be anything other than me.

It feels strange for me to have a man interested in me that isn’t M. I try not to be cynical and sometimes I even succeed but there’s a part of me that clams up. They all seem to want to save me and I don’t need or want to be saved. I feel frustrated when I have to gently point out that I do not need saving. They respond with “I know…but just in case” like I am a wounded baby bird or something.

I can’t stand it.

All I really want is for us to truly hear and see one another. I’m seeing men come into my life and they build this image of me in their mind as they get to know me. I am shoved in a box and labelled. They almost always never move me out of the box they’ve stuck me in. In the end I wind up feeling that they will never really know me and that is usually what happens. That is what lonliness feels like for me. Not the lack of intimacy or attention. Not the need to have a “person.” It’s that feeling of getting packaged and neatly labelled. It is feeling like everything I do is getting reframed through a lens they choose to see me through and nothing I say or do seems to change that unless I outright rebel. That never ends well for me.

I don’t really go into friendships or relationships expecting people to be a certain way with me. People are much more complex than that. I am way more complex than that. I just want the freedom to feel like I can be comfortable enough with a person to reveal all of my layers and I hope they can feel the same way about me.

There’s a part of me that thinks of all of the worthy and willing people that want to find love in the world…why me? Why do you want me? because I am not in a place right now where I want to invest in someone. That’s how I see relationships, an investment, and I don’t want them to invest in me. One I am still grieving, two whenever I am in a shitty headspace I invite back the one person that brings a fuckload of chaos into my life. It’s a habit I need to break for my own sake and possibly the sake of my sanity. I don’t intend to be dramatic but if anyone could ever know the extent of what he did to me I think most people would agree I must be crazy allowing him in my life again.

All of my dreams lately have had things chasing me. I’ve had rattlesnakes, sharks, and knife wielding men so far. In all of them though there’s a common theme. At first I’m scared and then at the last moment, just when it looks like I’m going to lose the battle and I’ve given up, I fight back. They all back off and I always come to the realisation that they were never really going to attack me. I was always going to fight back and win. When I get knocked down I will get back up again and fight….eventually. Things can get ao overwhelming but I can fight my way through it somehow.

There’s always a way.

I am not even sure what the point of this blog was supposed to be. I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. It’s kind of like trying to grab bees in my head at the moment. I will be okay though.

So many things can change in a year. I lost someone I loved. I met a whole bunch of people I have grown to love. Changed careers. It’s kind of crazy. I feel like this point of time is for me to grow up just that little bit more. It’s for me to discover ways to let go of a lot of the pain I still carry. I need to figure myself out a little bit more as well.

Someday I hope I feel as strongly for someone the way I did for M and actually feel safe and confident enough in what I feel to tell them that. The one thing I regret is not telling him that my first thought and my last of every day we were together were of how much I loved him. I asked him once if it bothered him and he said no and that It never needed words but he threw his out there regardless. Every day he said “I love you too” even though I struggled to say I love you and tried to avoid it. I am brave but not when it comes to love or even pursuing it. It’s one thing I hope will change given time. I have never been the kind of person to live by my heart and I don’t think I will ever be like that. I am more of a “drop bread crumbs” kind of person and eventually I’ll make my intentions and feelings clearer if I feel brave enough to that. I don’t think it matters right now though.

I want to finish this by writing something I should have said.

My love,
You were a prince among men. A dove in a sea of ravens.
I love you.
I will always miss you.

I’ve had the terrace house theme song in my head all day today. It is a beautiful message in the midst of what has been an emotional week where if I haven’t been stressed I’ve just been crying my eyes out. I really needed to hear this. It felt like a cool day after an intense heat wave.

Matthew Heath & Grady Griggs – Slow Down.

Quote & Title: Bonfire of the vanities.


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