It’s been awhile and every time I go to update this I end up closing out and working on other things. I am trying to be purposeful, focused and particular about where I choose to focus my energy. It works for the most part. I left my blog for a bit and I needed to recharge.
Last month was hard. It was hard because it felt like I was under so much pressure and it was starting to look like I was going to crack. I didn’t but this was reflected in my dreams when I was constantly chased by things that never actually attacked me. In my dreams they always ended up being bigger and more scary than they actually were. I had dreams of knife wielding men, rattle snakes and sharks all coming after me and right at the final moment, just when I decide I’ve had enough and I’m going to defend myself with everything I’ve got…they stop.
I realise there’s a pattern here reflected in my life. There’s always a moment when I’m like “Fuck it come at me then!” And all of a sudden things shift and change – for the better.
Looking back the re-entrance of the dominus in my life didn’t help. It never does. Sometimes I think that he’s equal parts addiction and self-mutiliation. It’s like the urge to cut or binge and purge but embodied in a person. I realise that I’m attracted to very dark men and I know that it’s the fixer in me that’s drawn to that. Part of me feels that M was a fluke, an anomaly, and men like the Dominus are the norm. It’s weird men like that have become normal for me and someone who was as loving, multi-faceted, and as beautiful as M I view as a rarity. I can’t seem to get past that feeling and I’ve given up trying to go against it. Basically I’ve just accepted at the moment that’s just what I tend to choose. It leads to some very painful lessons and I am willing to accept that too.
Maybe it’s just easier to stick to what I know.
I’m fairly certain that my love of predatory men is going to be the death of me someday. I try not to think about it. So I spent the last month trying my best not to sleep with the dominus (it didn’t work) and having a serious think about what I really wanted for myself (that DID work). For some reason I gave myself 400 days to work on a list of things that I came up with. Writing out the list and then breaking it down changed things instantly for me. Small, daily and manageable tasks works for me and doesn’t mess with my anxiety. Things are a lot less overwhelming and I feel more confident and inspired.
That number kept floating around in my dreams. It’s interesting that the number has a lot of biblical connotations to it. It’s a divine perfect time period(1) and it felt like the number I needed. The first time I saw 400 it was written on bright yellow police marking tape next to the word “Hunt.” The second time words and symbols kept appearing. I couldn’t make most of them out but 400 was written in purple flames. It appeared again on a gate to a music festival. I kept seeing and hearing it in real life too. 400 days to master and work on anything is a long time to keep at something but often I don’t actually think about it and I’ve worked on my goals without realizing it.
Since it’s still technically a dream symbol My own interpretation of it can be summed up in a few words: repetition, routine, focus and perseverance. It’s a time period of learning and planting seeds. Something I read today on a website I use to hit my “practise and learn Japanese” daily goal really resonated with me so I wanted to share it:
“Piled up specks of dust become a mountain. Chiri mo tsumoreba yama to naru…this expression teaches the moral that little by little and bit by bit ones persistent efforts will lead to achievement of one’s end goal”-Japanese from Zero.
One of my goals was to draw. Drawing seems to be my happy place and it has also been nice trying to learn and apply the fundamentals, and looking at other artists work. I keep looking at everything (mostly people) and seeing shapes, shadows, half tones and highlights.
Another goal was to become fluent in both spoken and written Japanese.
That’s just two but they’re the only ones I’m willing to share. The trend with my goals is that they’re all things that require learning first, all things I have always lacked the confidence to just “Go for it”, and they push me out of my comfort zone a little bit.
They’re all things that genuinely make me happy.
I’ve canned most of my social media. I’m on there when I have to work for clients and that’s it really. I realized that the only news I hear is on the radio driving to and from work. I’ve actually started subscribing to news papers and read them once a week like it’s 1985 or something. How much junk is thrown at us though? I found it anxiety inducing. You have to filter through so much shit. I feel a lot less weighted down these days.
I quit drinking coffee. It messed with my anxiety so off it went. I decided to swear off alcohol and weed too. I rarely do both but while I was at it I figured I might as well. I managed to stop eating most meat with the exception of fish. Nothing will make me stabby quite like being forced to give up fish makes me stabby.
A few things I was drawn to do and I’m unsure as to why:
- learn to surf (it’s soooooo fun but I’m so crap at it).
- Get back into climbing. This is where I very quickly realized my upper body strength is shite.
- Watch the cricket. Anyone who knows me knows I hate that sport more than I hate golf (I’m not bad at golf FYI). I’ve actually enjoyed it. I dated a cricketer. Up until last month I knew shit about cricket and we were together for six months. It just clicked all of a sudden.
- I feel the urge to get out into nature. I’m trying to give into it because I know it’s grounding and healing.
There’s always some random reason for things and I love following threads to see where they lead.
I also see the number 4 a lot. My friend has been talking to me about life path numbers and I find them interesting. As I went through them I found I liked the 4s the most. So if I ever manage to like…not date bad boys I would like a 4. Solid, loyal, practical life path number 4. Honestly I think that would feel like a vacation from the men I am used to. I’m an 8 and that’s supposed to be an ideal match apparently. M was a 4. D is a 3. I found it interesting I got the best and the worst matches when I was reading up on them.
Anyway, while not all things are ideal I’m more content than I have been in a long while so I’m just going to keep at it. It’s all I can do. I like the feeling of a very gentle momentum and I like how the pace is picking up. The energy feels good.
That’s it from me.
Title quote: “I think I’m gonna like it here” from the musical Annie.